Mary Beth Writes

Years ago, a friend revealed to me how unhappy she was about her life. Being the marvelously insightful and sensible person that I was back then (note the irony of middle age currently speaking), I advised her how to correct the direction of her life. She was so pleased with my wisdom that she never talked to me again.

I learned my lesson. Large subjects are best left to licensed professionals and bartenders. The rest of us should keep our noses out.

Which is why I rarely write about marriage. (At least not head on.) And I wouldn't be delving today except for one thing. One of my most favorite cousins and his wife are celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary this weekend. In honor of this auspicious occasion, I decided to wade around in the murky waters of old marriages.

I like old marriages. I'd even venture to say that old marriages, like American Express, are a part of a lot of interesting lives. (Whatever that ad campaign was suppose to mean.)

This is not something I understood when I was young. When I looked at old marriages back then, the best I could see were what were called "content marriages". These too often featured spouse sets who tended to look like bulldog twins, and whose social life revolved around things one could do while sitting on upholstered furniture. It seemed like a grim future.

Now that I'm in my own old, content and heavily upholstered marriage, the view seems different. I don't see "content" as passive anymore. These days I see "content" as rich, fertile, ready to grow something besides babies, able to be creative, full of laughter, interested in life. These aren't qualities only married people have, single folks have them in spades. But they are among the best secrets of well-aged marriages.

So I'd like to salute some of the other secrets of content old marriages.

One of the things I have noticed is that people in these marriages have good manners. Oh, not necessarily manners like which side of the plate the fork goes on or who should answer the thank you notes (the person who got the gift should). I mean the heartfelt manners that come from respect and empathy.

When you live with a person, you learn their strengths and weaknesses, ups and downs. It's acceptable to comment wittily on the "bedhead" of a spouse who doesn't really care that much about hair anyway (did a badger climb in the window in the night and fall asleep on your head?). On the other hand, it's deadly to constantly pick at and criticize each other. At the heart of their lives, each one believes the other one is trying the best they can. They will not assault that foundation.

In the good old marriages, people touch each other. The level of the touching varies, some people are Mr. and Mrs. Casanova, others rely on picking the lint off each other's business suits, but they touch. Fondly or passionately, with or without the Viagra, they know the temperature of each other's skin and it becomes part of the weather of each other's worlds.

Most expert advice about relationships mentions that successfully married people use humor in their relationships. Humor is a non-assaultive way to state one's point of view. It's a way for each partner to declare that as long as they feel heard and respected they don't need to win every argument. Humor is an excellent tool to take with you into casual husband and wife discussions about topics such as why the checkbook hasn't balanced in this decade and whose fault that is. Or whose in-laws you are going to for the holidays. Or who forgot to get the car's oil changed 27,000 miles ago. Or why the 17 year old for whom you saved enough money to go to Harvard now wants to study cosmetology in Aruba.
Humor is about getting air to breathe, room to maneuver, space to think. With humor, the question is not "Whose fault is this?" but "How can we get through this one with our spirits intact?"

I think maybe the richest treasure of content marriages is the Taj Mahal of memories they have built together through the years. Who else shares the vivid memories of the goofy magic of your particular courtship? Who else is going to laugh with you until the tears roll down your cheeks about that time you were so sleepy you forgot to put a diaper under the baby's sleeper? And you then proudly handed her to your spouse's grandfather?

Your spouse remembers what it was like when your dad died. Your spouse and you remember the perky parade of bean and tuna casseroles you figured out when one of you got laid-off. Or the struggle it was to raise one of your kids, the joy it was to raise the other, and the fierceness with which you have always loved them both.

I guess good old marriages are like a lot of life's best riches. You have to give it all you have. You have to work hard, stay honest, act with kindness, savor every joy. And then maybe, just maybe, you'll be among the lucky folks who get blessed with a good old marriage.

Here's to real love in the real world. Happy Anniversary, Nancy and Brent.

Tags

Add new comment

CAPTCHA

This question is for testing whether or not you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions.

"Death Comes for the Archbishop" and How to drive to the Y without a map.

I read Willa Cather’s “Death Comes for the Archbishop” when I was in high school. I heard it was an important book which made me curious (still does), so I borrowed it from the library and read the whole thing.

It was mud. I didn’t care about the characters; two middle-aged priests who go to the American southwest to build and strengthen the Catholic church. Snooze. Nothing cohesive happens. They do a bunch of walking around in the desert followed by episodes of trying to be helpful a few days here, a few years there. Yawn.

When Weaving is NOT a Metaphor

I wrote this 12 years ago.  It's long and even I get confused as to what I wrote when one gets about half way through this  - and I was there!   But some of you will be interested to read how those "ethnic weavings" from Guatemala begin.  Next time you buy something hand woven, for less than $20, you will understand that price is not right.

.....

Retirement Smackdown

I just made a list of fourteen friends who have retired in the past five years. Of the fourteen, SEVEN retired early and abruptly when their employer’s business practices, for various reasons, changed or failed.

There is a myth out there that retirement is a fixed event with a date one knows years in advance. Then at the desired retirement age there will be a company party where one gets a memento from their employer - and after that they live aimlessly, trying to find purpose.  

Cahokia

Last week we went to Cahokia with our pals, Otis and David. Our Corps of Discovery (not to be confused with Lewis and Clark’s expedition of the same name) started because, at my daughter’s request, Otis had sewn a quilt for her. Len and I decided it would be fun to drive to the central Illinois village where he lives to pick it up, thus saving them the fortune it would cost to ship it.

And if one is going to be tootling down along the Mississippi River, why not hop on down to Cahokia, across from St. Louis?

I mean, how much further can it be? 

4th Thoughts

I’m reading a new book about the Upper Midwest, late 1500’s - 1750ish.  The book is Indian Women and French Men; Rethinking Cultural Encounter in the Western Great Lakes, by Susan Sleeper-Smith - and I am reading it as avidly as my granddaughter listens to story hour. 

This is from the introduction: “In kin-based societies, behaviors change as people struggle either to attain or retain symbolic capital – what people sense as honor, prestige, respect, or authority.”

Pastor Betty Rendon has been Deported by Our ICE

This is on Facebook this morning:
...
 Here is a message posted by Pastor Betty Rendon, who landed yesterday in Bogotá after being d

Tag Cloud

17 minutes AARPtaxes AAUW Accountable apples Arrows baby balance Barkskins Beauty Becky BookReport boy scout Bread BuyAngry Cahokia Canada cello Choosing Christmas cilantro Cinnabuns circus Clowns clutter consumerism Courage creditreport death December DecisionFatigue decluttering Detroit Duty eBay Eclipse FairTrade farmer firealarm Fitness Five Flexible flu Fort de Chartres Franc FrancGarcia friends frugal Frugality Garden ghosts GovernorThompsonStatePark Guatemala guns happiness Healthinsurance HelleKBerry History home HomeRepair Honduras HouseinBlueRiver Innkeeper Interview InviteMe2Speak JoyceAndrews Judy JulianofNorwich justice Karen Lamb LeeLeeMcKnight lemming Len Lincoln LockedOut Love Ludington Macaw MargaretFuller Marquette marriage Mayan MayaWorks MilwaukeeMarch4OurLives MindfulChickens Mistakes Mother mouser movies museums must-haves New York City Nomadland OurBrother Outside PastorBettyRendon Paul Hessert PDQ Penny persimmon poetry Preaching privacy Quern Questions recipe recipes recycling Reruns resolution Retirement RitesofPassage Roses Ruth SamaritanWoman Sanctuary Sandhillcranes Sermon sewing Shepherd ShortStory sickness SofritoBandito SpaceShuttle spring square feet StoryStarts Stubborn Survival Susan taxes teenager Thanksgiving ThePerpetualYou ThreeBillBoards TimeBeing tortillas Traveler Tubing UnrelatedObservations utilities UTLAStrong vacation Valentines vanilla Vietnam VivianWokeUpDrowning vole WalkingAndSeeing war WarsanShire weaving wedding WhyAttendChurch WillaCather
Ad Promotion